Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

Nobody:

God: Make half of them allergic to spring

Detective : Where were you on the night in question?

Me: Wut?

Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.

Her: Oh, he’s not playing.

Perfect.

My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.

You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They’re calling it the Apollo G.

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

2019: Crowd surfing

2020: Channel surfing

The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work

this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?