Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the Audi hogging the road:

Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!

Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.

Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

set yourself free xox

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

If you know, you know

I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.

Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.

Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?

Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.

10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*

can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed

Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”

Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know

My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.

[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.