Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened

Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”

when someone compliments me

my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

need him

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.

[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]

AND ANOTHER THING

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.