I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
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[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.
Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
