I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
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If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Finally! 😈
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…