Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.

The system crashes on its own.

The human race is saved by shitty programming.

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.

[enter password]

“dog”

[password must be longer]

“dachshund”

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。

The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.

Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.

Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap

[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school

kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs

Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.

Friend: That’s my stomach.

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.

Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.

Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.