I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
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As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.