Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.

At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,

Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better

SURGEON: How did you get in here

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone

The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party

Me: I missed you

Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet

Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.

watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment

GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol

ANGEL: What

GOD: Cat snake lmao

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend