I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
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When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
my dad has had enough
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Watson was Holmes schooled