I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
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Mmmm canned fish.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…