I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
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Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
I can’t wait!
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit