I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
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I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones