I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
You Might Also Like
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
me before I type out affect or effect
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
selena gomez
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
You have been warned.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently