I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
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“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.