Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

[therapy]

WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter

ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny

[ER]

ME: [scared] well?

DOCTOR: ur ok

M: so it was just a dream

D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them

thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.

Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.

Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.

Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.

Lamb: THAT’S your advice?

Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.

Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!

Therapist: (grins sheepishly)

Lamb:

Therapist:

Lamb:

Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?

I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”

6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?

Me: Yes.

6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

The Joker was right

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.

I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”

Anxiety.

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?