Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.

My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.

Must work nights.

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

Me: It’s so good to have time off to write!

Neighbor: It’s chainsaw day, bitches!

Ugh.

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”