Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.

Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.

*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

[Kanye at pharmacy]

*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*

No one man should have all that powder!

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?

Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to

my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?

When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again

My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.

Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.

Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*