I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
You Might Also Like
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.