I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
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The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken: