I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
You Might Also Like
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.