Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

when someone compliments me

Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.

Let’s Go

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]

fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy

Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?

You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

Duck typos.

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )

90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.

Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.

Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.

I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.

the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

He-man has a Masters degree

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles