Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SCARY COSTUME

VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.

Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour

The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft

Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.

Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high

Wife: how high

My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man

No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”

Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle

I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?

Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.

wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer

Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor

Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you