Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.

ME: *barely audible* embargo pants

HER: Get out

Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?

The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona

[dark movie theater]

me: *opens soda can*

them:

me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*

them: Shhhh

me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*

Me: I need to pee

Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.

Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.

[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*

[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you

Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…

“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.