I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
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“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
realest tweet ever.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱