@jrza84

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

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@Reverend_Scott

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

@Lisa_Laughs_

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

@TheRealPalMal

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.

@samalmightysam

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@lovemyboots111

“One day I caught myself smiling for no reason, then I realized I was thinking of you….”

under a moving bus

@copymama

Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.

@Hella_Rad

sometimes i cry when i chop vegetables other than onions, just so the onions don’t think they’re ugly or something

@fro_vo

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

@PJTLynch

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

@TheSofiya

Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT