I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
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A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Kermit goes Blue.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.