I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

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My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.


SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.

ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*


If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.


Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning


I wonder if anyone besides me has the bumper sticker, “Proud parent of your wife’s kid.”


Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?

Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.


– “Did you know you can make a pizza crust out of cauliflower?”

– “I’m going to reactivate my Facebook so I can unfriend you there too”


[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG


If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…

My wife is available.