I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
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Auto correct is my worst enema.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
😭😭😭
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.