I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
You Might Also Like
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.