I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
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Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.