I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
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ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror