Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction

😸

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?

I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.

I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.

Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired

Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.

Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.

Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:

Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings

Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

This anagram machine is out of order.

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order

When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

But I really needed water water water

me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.

7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –

me: shut up