I hooked my fidget spinner up to my vape pen and The Millennials crowned me King of Avocado Toast

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You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.


[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*


[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]

COACH: you idiots *melts*


Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.


HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night

ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?

HIM: I have to go now


Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.


I just want to be one of those dads who runs on the field & tackles an opposing 6 year old


MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap


I like how if you visit a website now for two seconds then leave they immediately email you like hey we noticed you were looking at a thing and also we know your home address and that your mom drives a blue Honda Fit so are you gonna buy this thing or should we start trouble


[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it