Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”

Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?

Me: For cups.

6: But you can’t drink and drive.

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

I miss this era type of pranks😭

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”

Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”

My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)

Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.

9: You were alive back then?

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*