I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
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[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
*aggressively waits in line*
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club