I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
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I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
Inside you there are two wolves
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable