I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
You Might Also Like
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
We will use anything but the metric system
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
A wise man once said nothing.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.
welp
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!