I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
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German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.