Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses

This made me smile…

Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

[guy who’s about to invent politics]

*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!

My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?