Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”

10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”

Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.

Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?

It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again

A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.

Leia: I love you.

Han: I know.

[gets frozen in carbonite]

[two years pass]

[gets unfrozen]

Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”

If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!

ME: that is sound advice

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean

Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago

HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*

why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.

me: congrats on running that marathon.

her: thanks. I’m still sore.

me: because you didn’t win?

her:

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay