I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
You Might Also Like
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Meal prep? No need to prep here, I’m prepared for a meal AT ALL TIMES!
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Whoa 😂
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”