I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
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Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.