I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
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My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
no
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.