Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you can’t find your friend Neil

I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.

Seat cushions are the original stool softeners

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.

Hot Ones isn’t extreme enough. Cover a wing in bees.

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.

The most avoided species of shark is the Loan

Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever

Them: they were singing happy birthday to me

Me: *leaves body to science*

Science: *starts crying*

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

Counting your noodles demonstrates an affinity for ramen numerals.

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT

my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket

Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”

Phones down.