I hope Alan is OK
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My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
My current situation
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like