Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

ME: I’m anti-murder

MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”

I know this now.

A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila

[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles

Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog

He’s a ladies man

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

That’s no pocket rocket.

Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I’m making him my new nutritionist.

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.