i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
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My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
no cat here
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.