Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

medusa: look into my gaze

me:

dwayne johnson: did it do anything?

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

The Fast and the Furious.

– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.

[job interview]

That’s all. Have any questions for us?

“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.

LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!

#NationalLazyDay

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.

Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!

me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.

Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.