i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
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If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.