i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
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A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.