Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

[first date]

Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys

Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!

having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

Buying houses is mental

Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined

Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants

Not allowed to speak to the owner

Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds

genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”

I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*