Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.

So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

The twelve days of Christmas be like:

Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you

A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.

Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm

Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?

It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.

Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth

Me: No way

Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?

Me: Yes, that sounds delightful

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here

“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.

The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.

Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.