I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
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You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
