I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
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[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.