My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
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I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
What even happened today?
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Bloody internet 😳
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone