I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
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Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.