I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”
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Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.