I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”
You Might Also Like
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
PLEASE READ
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
a badder mouse
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT