I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”
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Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
