Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’

You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.

911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern

As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”

911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down

My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.

“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff

Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.

Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.

The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding