Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.

ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.

Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?

Me: I don’t like your tone.

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

Doctor: You have a disease

Me: Oh no!

Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise

Me: Oh no!

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

Taliband