Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

Pro tip:

Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.

She’s still telling me.

Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

LUKE: any weekend plans?

OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga

LUKE: omg I have to warn him

“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer