I hope google does well on my son’s test
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Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Just a bush.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok