I hope google does well on my son’s test
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I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.