I hope google does well on my son’s test
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“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society