I hope google does well on my son’s test
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Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did