Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

Imagine Dragons.

No. Dragoner.

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

True dat! 😂😂😂😂

[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest

asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently

Greeting humans vs their dogs

Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

Stop having all the sex, what if we run out

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶

Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there

Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.