I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
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It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.