i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
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[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Order here:
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It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals