Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I hope I die alone. I mean, you’d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
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Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”
-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
ME: *falling in love with my karate instructor* how about we turn this roundhouse into a roundhome?
KARATE INSTRUCTOR: *roundhome kicks me in the gut*
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!