@Sarcasticsapien

I hope I die alone. I mean, you’d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.

You Might Also Like

@mom_ontherocks

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

@Michael_Erhart

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

@AdamBroud

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

@dinokitten

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

@MelvinofYork

*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*

Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

@Tommytoughstuff

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

@drankturpentine

ME: *falling in love with my karate instructor* how about we turn this roundhouse into a roundhome?

KARATE INSTRUCTOR: *roundhome kicks me in the gut*

@SteveSuckington

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

@mommajessiec

Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.

Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —

Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!