Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
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“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.