I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
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The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Time heals everything 🙂
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.