Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

journal

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

If I had a dollar for every time a first-time pregnant woman looked me in the face and told me she could tell that her baby was gonna have a “chill personality,” I could buy you a Subway™️ sandwich. Not one of the cheap ones either, one of the limited series.

SCARY COSTUME

This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

My Sentiments Exactly

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!

*swipes right on my hand mirror

I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.

I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.

“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”

-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old