I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
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Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
stop
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
so much to do
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
2023 was just a warmup