I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
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Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.