I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
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Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
ouch
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
the noise i just made
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
SPLOOT
Ugh
Still my favourite meme.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.