I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
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Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
*weighs self after shaving
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done