I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
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There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap