I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
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“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.