Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

Cartman: Respect my
a a

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”

You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

🗽

I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.

But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE

[pointing to a gravestone]

I’ll have what HE’S having!

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously

Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses

My dog: she’s my support person

*death metal voice*

BUTTERRRRRR

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.